deep in my heart

Aku mentari…
Hehe…erm, tonite I escape from the kenduri arwah…bukannya x nak pegi tempat org buat keje baik macam tu, Cuma aku kepenatan..bila ibu ajak tadi, aku cakap aku penat..dia cakap bukan kena drive pon…but it’s OK, I’m still with my decision mom…sorry that I’ve hurt u this time…
Erm, aku sebenarnya nak bersendirian…dok kat café ni sambil menaip kisah idop yg bak kata someone…boleh buat novel..haha…then, smoke the cigarettes…the nicotine that I carry in my body cried out for more…yeeeehhhaaaa ….I still remember last time, my friend from the hostel did told me that we might release whatever problem that we have as the smoke came out from the mouth…but, he never concern about the one that left in our heart and lungs…correct not?
Erm, tadi aku cakap ngan kawan aku yang maybe aku dilahirkan untuk jadi macam ni…cheer up whoever I met then disappear…get on with my problemo life…erm, never to say that I’m good or perfect..but that’s the fact…my parent used to find someone for me….but I am so choosy…I used to chat with that girl which is one of my primary school friend about this…then, she react by saying that that I am always busy with other girl all the time…sorry dear,my bad…I am so choosy that I can’t choose u…but, if God bless, we might be like what they want us to be…remember what I,ve told u last time…if we fulfilled their wish in early 2000, we might have a lot of children now…u like it twin rite?so am i…but I don’t know whether it will be the same if I’m with u….
Erm, I am choosy…I admit that…I normally choose someone that I like…even sometime they are too way better from me…there’s nothing special with me…all I have is only words…to take all their heart away…
Still remember you awak….i used to love you with all my heart..i did anything for us..you just name it and please do not forget how sweet we used to be…All the words is still in my mind…before we apart…huhu…still remember what you,ve said…. ”Awak cakap awak susah nak tinggalkan saya sebab awak takut saya sedih…tapi awak tak cakap awak susah nak tinggalkan saya sebab awak sayang saya”… Awak…awak pon tau betapa saya sayangkan awak….even each time saya tanya, awak akan cakap awak tak sayang saya…yang mana selalunya saya akan respon - “saya pon tak sayang awak”…pastu kita akan sama2 tersenyum…kalau saya tak saying awak, takdenya saya nak anta awak each time awak nak balik kampong dan each time awak pijak kaki kat ibukota saya akan terus jemput awak…takdenya saya nak tido dalam lrt each nak nak g jumpa awak…lunch ngan awak…tapi itu citer lama kan?huhu…masih terasa peritnya dada saya…
Erm, masih teringat dulu first time kita kuar date…I met u at my office then we’ve been to the shopping mall…on the way, at the tollgate,enjin keta mati…hehe, pastu bila I start balik then nak jalan, ada polis tahan dan buat2 nak saman…still remember he asked me..”orang rumah ke dalam keta?” then I cakap kawan….after that we went to the mall and our first movie is The pirate of the Caribbean…yang 1st time kraken kuar…yg awk terkejut tgk kraken….hehe…erm, I still keep the ticket dear…even it was about 3 years ago…still remember u got the flower bouquet while you are in the office?still remember kita selalu g Ikea beli barang untuk u punya nephew?yg each time pegi, kita akan g kat bedroom then u cakap that u like the bed…yang u selalu cakap, bila dah kawen nanti u nak yg macam tu?Saya memang takkan lupa yang u penah buat surprise kat secret recipe kat Kl central during my birthday…did u ever notice how blushing I am that time?erm, all the memories is still well kept and always like a fresh lettuce in my heart…erm, I am the first to call your father to asked his permission to bring you to my friend’s wedding in Melaka?still remember you birthday celebration at Naili’s? Still remember the 1st date that I sang to the song Dealova from Once…then after a while I played it with my guitar to dedicate to u?All this sweet memories make me sick dear…bukit dah kudaki, sungai pun dah kurenangi…tapi aku insan biasa yang susah nak menghapus kenangan silam…Aku tak pernah mintak kita jadi begini…u know that u feels the same too…tapi semuanya susah dear…I am who I am…there’s nothing I can do about it…memang betul awak cakap kawan kita lagi banyak halangan…yelah, he’s a non muslim and her girlfriend is Muslim….tapi u tgk apa dah jadi…lastly, diorang berpisah dan perpisahan di saat itu lagi sakit…compare to ape yang kita dah lalui…tu pun saya tau both of us suffered…tapi kalau lagi jauh….can u imagine how suffer it can be dear?i might be insane awak…awak tau x?
Memang betul apa orang cakap, 1st love memang susah nak lupa…yelah, I was in love before, tapi cinta monyet…kali ni saya rasa sakit sangat…sebab saya selalu tertanya why did all this have to occur to me…I mean us…orang lain senang jer…kawan kejap, bercinta, then kawen…huhu…maybe all this might not work for me…maybe my path is different, kan awak?even until sekarang I still dream of u dear…nape susah sangat untuk saya lupakan awak?
To be frank with u…I still pass by your mother’s house…saje jalan2…tapi x singgah pon…pastu g dok termenung kat tepi pantai…saya tak layak pon jumpa ur mom…kan?
What am I suppose to do now?i wish that I can reverse back time then went back to my secondary school…study hard, then become whatever I suppose to be then have a happy life…kan?tapi, it won’t work in real life dear…only in my dream only…
Kekadang rasa macam dunia ni tak adil…tapi sebenarnya semua ni sebab kita…we are the one who choose the path rite?so, we should be ready to face all the consequences..tapi, andai masih ada masa untuk berubah, ataupun mengubah, we should do something about our life..even ianya hanyalah sementara, make it precious and worth for the next generation to talk about it with their head held high…
Hidup ini, adalah suatu perjalanan…yang mana kita takkan tahu kita berada kat stage mana…we will never realized that it was the end until izrael come and take our breath away…what if we still thinking that we are still in the middle of the journey, and we don’t even prepare for the life after death, then suddenly we realized that the time have come for us to leave this world of hallucination? Apa kita nak jawab nanti?Adakah kita ada amalan yang akan keep on flowing into us atau anak2 mithali yang akan sentiasa mendoakan kita?kalau kawen pon blom so camne nak ada anak kan?That’s what make me worry now…
Kepala pon dah pening…I used too much of my RAM to think over all this matter…yang memang tak tau ape kesudahannya…yang penting, life must go on…whatever it is…good life, bad life, it’s all reflected from what we did in the past and which path that we chose…
So, to everyone…kita yang mencorakkan hidup kita…so, do the best,in making the decision…sebab kita memang takde time machine yang kita boleh guna if kita salah buat pilihan dalam hidup…buat ape2, better pikir for the long term…apa-apa pun…
p/s : andai lepas ni aku dah tiada, harap sume orang leh jadikan ni satu nasihat berguna dalam hidup…
suatu wasiat yang berharga…dari insan yang tak sebegitu berharga…

zehan danial & dhea hasryany